It feels like im running. I'm running and im not slowing down. iv been running for miles upon miles. I should stop and take a rest but I just keep going. i run through the cramps and through soreness. Through the pain. I'm running for what seems like eternity. But why am I running this much? Am I running towards something? or am I running away from something? am I trying to escape something?

I can't stop thinking about her. I felt like this before, but somehow this feels different. Probably because of the situation and the relationship we have. or had......

I don't know if what I'm doing if right, or even fair to either of us.  But I feel as though I can't back out now.  I'm in over my head and there doesn't seem to be an easy means of escape. 

What do I do? Who can I confide in and know that they won't think I've lost my mind?

I used to be able to confide in her. About anything and everything.  But I've caused so much pain by telling her how I feel and everything that goes with it.  I don't want to her to hurt anymore. I want her to be happy.

I REFUSE to be like the other guys she has been and is currently with. I will not break my promises. I will not go back on something I say.  If only she could understand.......

I'm here baby girl.  And I'm not going anywhere.

I'm an emotional wreck.  I haven't been sleeping well.  My mind is racing all the time.  I can't stop thinking about you.  I know this sounds stalker-ish to anyone who reads this and has no clue what's going on.  But it's the truth.  I think about you everyday, and this causes me such a great deal of pain that I can't bear to tell you about it.  I know that if I told you that I was in pain, you would blame yourself and beat yourself up about it.  I can't afford to know that I'm responsible for causing you pain and hurt.  I can't do that to you. I refuse to hurt you.

But while protecting you, I'm killing myself.  It kills me to a degree that you wouldn't understand. Seeing you with him, my heart breaks more everytime I see it.  I know that you are with him and that you are happy with him.  But it seems like you have thrown me to the curb in a sense.  You've stopped coming to my locker and I feel like we've lost something that we had.  I feel like I'm just another guy to you now.  You've stopped talking to me after your lunch every once in a while.  Instead you're with him all the time.  I don't know if this is intentional and I highly, sincerely doubt that it is intentional to any degree.  But i feel like I'm not as big a part of your life as I used to be, as if I didn't  matter anymore. 

I remember everything that we haev ever talked about.  The same moments and conversations keep coming into my head.  We said things to each other that meant something, at least thats what I made of it.  We told each other how we felt about each other, regardless of the fact that you were already with him.  You would tell me that it was like your past relationship with what's-his-name,  But obviously something kept you with him.  I could come up with about a hundred different reasons as to why you've stayed with him.  But that doesn't matter to me.  What matters is that I want back what we had.  I want to know if everything you have said tome in the past was truth.  I need to hear you tell me that I wasn't a rebound for breaking up with what's-his-name and that what could have been is still a possibility.  I'm tired of hurting. I want the pain to stop.  If there is no chance at anything happening with us, then please tell me so that I can deal with the pain.  I want to know if my waiting has been for nothing.  I can only hope that my waiting hasn't been a hopeless cause.  I need to know that waiting for you has been something worth fighting for and that I haven't been the subject of something has brought me so much hurt.

Please baby girl, don't hurt me.

So I've begun the process of attempting to get over you not choosing me.  Did it hurt? Yea, but I'm more mature tahn anyone else involved and I can handle the situation better than everyone else probably could have.  However, as much progress as I'm trying to make, I haven't stopped thinking about you.  I know the awkwardness would have been unbearable for you, and I wouldn't want to put you in that kind of situation.  It's just not an easy thing to get over seeing you with him when I know that I had a chanceat being that guy.  But you seem happy, and that is all that matters to me. 

However, you continue to keep very close contact with me.  More than most girls would in this situation.  This confuses me, although I know that you are not like others.  Most girls would completely dispose of the one they didn't choose and would be on with their life.  However, something you said to me today makes me think that there is still something there that is keeping you from letting go completely.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it almost seems..........unfair in a sense.  And what I mean by that is this:  You hold onto us both at the same time as though you don't want to let go of either of us.  It doesn't seem fair to you that you put yourself through constant self-turmoil by keeping us both in reach.  You need to do what's right for you.  And whatever decision you make, I'll will support you and remain a part of your life in some way.  Whether it's going to watch you play or just saying "hi" in the hallway, I would be there for you whenever you need a shoulder to lean on or just to vent out frustration. 

I know this is hard, but I keep going trying to be the better person, knowing that you are happy with him.  Seeing you happy make sme happy, and that's all that I could ask for.  So again, know this: That I will always be there for you, whenever you need someone.  You know I'll be there.

I had a really bad week last week.  This week improved ever so slightly.......until tonight.  I committed the greatest sin that personally I could commit.  I hurt someone that I cared about very deeply.  It was the last thing I ever wanted to do. 

Hurting you hurts me more than you could even begin to understand.  Even after everything that has happened i the last 3 weeks, I would NEVER NEVER EVER want to hurt you in any way, shape or form.  I feel as though I've committed murder.  I feel sick to my stomach and I yelled at someone else because I am so angry with myself.  I wish I hadn't said anything at all. I should have just said no.  But of course I had to open my big, freakin' mouth and bring about pain that I can never take away.  

There is nothing that I can do to reverse what I've done.  I will forever feel this pain.  I feel as though I've lost something more valuable than any monetary amount could come close to staking claim to.  If you never want to speak to me again, I wouldn't hold it against you.  I've brought this upon myself, no matter what any one other person may say.  Others may blame you, but you should not listen to anything they have to say.  For I am the one and only cause of my own pain.  I've brought great shame upon myself and I feel like dropping from the face of the Earth.  

Once again, and most likely not for the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that has happened. I am sorry for everything that is happening. I am sorry for the things that may happen.  I feel terrible beyond belief and if there is anything tha I can do to rectify the wrong that has been done, please, please do not hesitate to tell me.  I can only pray that you will forgive me for what pain I've caused you.  And please if you feel the need to hit me or slap me across the face, I welcome it willingly, for it is the least that I deserve for what I've done to you.  However, I do request that you not listen to your "friends".  What you do and how you feel should be on your terms, not theirs.  They have no say in what you do as far as this subject is concerned.  And if they feel otherwise, then they are not your real friends. 

I'm Sorry.  Please forgive me.

OK so I've ben told that my last post was wrong so I'm going to say this:

I am aware that I have friends that care about me very much, and not all of them are leaving.  So to those not leaving, I apologize.

I guess I'll always be doing this to myself, no matter how hard I try to fight it.

My friends who have graduated are leaving for college and I'm left with a few close friends who I can now turn to.  But the question I find myself asking is, "Do I really fit in?"

I mean, back in middle school, I was perfectly happy with the group of kids I hung out with.  But times change and so do the people that you think you know.  I find myself on the outside looking in at the group of people I used to hang out with back in MS.  A few of them I still talk to but it's not the same as it once was.  Like I said before, people change. 
   
I've become closer with some new friends in recent years and I feel like I can lean on them if need be.  But again, I feel like I'm not sure where I fit in anymore.  I've got a few friends in many different "clicks" as one would say, but most these people don't hang out in the same "clicks". 

I find myself at a loss.  I'm confused and unsure about anything and everything.  For once, I want to know what the plan is going to be, to be sure of my decisions and to feel confident in those choices.  I just wish that this would happen sooner rather than later.

Life is crazy.  It's unpredictable and scary.  But I hope that in trusting in my gut instinct and common sense that things will play out and everyone will benefit from it.  One can only hope.....

I don't know what to think anymore.  I don't know what to say. 

Am I just foolish to think that I still have a chance? Or is it a true feeling that I believe we can both be happy?

Perhaps I'm just being a guy, maybe not.  But I do know this.  Life is too short to let these things take over one's life.  It's taken me far too long to realize and grasp this concept but now i understand.  But I will not sit back and let this opportunity slip by without trying at the very least. 

I know how I feel.  But do u know how you u feel?

Maybe I'm overreacting just a tad bit.  But I think I have every freakin' right to be.

I think it's common knowledge that when someone invites you to hang out, you will be hanging out with them.  I didn't get the memo that you were going to be ignored when you tried to speak.  I would expect better from people who you call your friends. 

I would also like to take this time to apologize.  I'm sorry that I was rudely dragged away from while we were walking.  I want to also apologize for my behavior based on the fact that I was loud and a bit obnoxious when we were walking away.  So from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. 

The one bright side to these events was that I did realize that I have a close friend.  At least I hope that I am correct in assuming this.  I don't have many and I appreciate those I do have.

Dear Journal,

Sorry I felt like being like Doug Funnie cuz I got this Beets shirt in Ocean City, NJ and I was thinking about it so again, I apologize.

As usual I've been thinking alot about life. Again.  And those of you reading this who know me are going " OMFG!!!!!!!!!! When will you stop?!?!?!?!"  Well the answer to that is probably never but i digress.  I tend to do alot of thinking when I have no social life which just so happens to be the story of my summer.  I'm working from 730-430 monday-friday and I'm running just about every other night for roughly half and hour.  I haven't hung out with my close friends in a long time and I miss them.  I miss the people that make me smile and that make me laugh and that make me feel as though I belonged. 

My thoughts have wandered from school, to music, to treble, to girls. You know the basic same old stuff that I always think about. Here's where my thoughts stand at this point and time:

TREBLE: OK so we lost a guy in Whit but we should not be discouraged,  We had 7 guys in the group a couple years ago and we did great.  I think that we can be just as good if not better.  We have the talent to be amazing.  We need to learn some new songs and get ready for next year.  Our biggest issue in my opinion is focus and dedication.  There are some of us who are in this 'til they die.  Then there are others who I'm not sure are in it because they love it.  I feel that some are in it for the recognition but I will not judge them any differently.  All I'm asking is for the dedication to learning and focusing on the music and becoming the best group we have had ever.

SCHOOL: Well school is school.  I don't like it but I do what I have to to get through it.  Senior year is coming up and going to try and keep my grades above and 86 for the entire year.  My biggest problem is having the drive to actually work.  I'm lazy when it comes to getting work done but I'm gonna try and change that this year. 

MUSIC: OK so my life has been soooooo boring that I attempted to write a song the other day.  After I read through the first verse I realized it was really emo sounding so I gave up on that.

GIRLS:  Ok so my luck with girls has not been good recently.  I broke up with my girlfriend back in may and that only caused me greater torment due to people being stupid and starting rumors and the whole nine yards.  I was pinned as a bad guy and I feel as though this has followed me and plagued me ever since.  I don't know why I feel this way about it but I do.  As far as liking someone, yes I do like someone.  Do they know? Probably.  I'm not exactly good at hiding this sorta thing.  It usually comes out one way or another and they find out.  Most of the time it happens to be one of my closest friends.  This in turn makes things very awkward between us to the point that we wind up not talking to each other for a very long time.  It's as if it pushes the friendship apart and ruins the bond that we had.  I'm trying not to have that happen this time.  However, in doing this, I'm not doing anything about asking this person out or anything.  This puts pressure on me and thus makes things awkward between us.  I just wish I wasn't such an idiot when it comes to this sorta thing.  It would be nice for once go into this kind of situation knowing that I have the confidence to ask the girl out and not worry about screwing up any friendship that we had and know worrying about what she would say whether it was yes or no.  I wish I could be that confident.  However I'm not a confident person when it comes to this stuff.  I only hope that this girl knows that I care about her and would like to remain friends if we cannot become anything more, regardless as to how much I'd like us to be more than just friends.  I'm sorry for making things awkward between us and I hope you can understand where I'm coming from in this situation.

Ok so now that people know my life story (just a joke), I realize that I'v said way too much and I really need to learn to express myself in a manner that does not make me look like a babbling fool who thinks he has hopes of finding the right answers to my problems.

So I'm really not sure how this summer is going to turn out.  Working all week from 8-5.  Running every other night.  My weekends are going to be the time I get to chill with people.  For those of you reading this who are not up to date with my lingo that means to hang out with.  I want to be able to spend time with the people I care about.  But it doesn't look like that will happen very often, if at all. 

This is not my only problem.  I think way too much about stuff.  I over-think everything and I tend to second-guess myself on everything.  But I feel as though I'm losing touch with some of the few close friends that I have.  To lose them would break my heart to a new degree.  I don't know how I would cope if that were to happened.  But sadly I'm afraid it is happening before my very eyes.  Maybe I'm just worrying for nothing but I can't help but have this sinking feeling that what I'm saying is true.  I want it to stop. 

I don't want to spend my summer without keeping in touch with my friends.  Making money is great, but I still wan to live the life of a teenager.  I want to be able to have fun on the weekends and during the summer.  Without them I wouldn't be who I am.  I need them to keep me grounded.  Some I need more than others, whether they realize it or not.  Regardless of what they summer brings, if wanting to be with those who I'm closest with is not possible, this will be a summer I will want to forget.

I hate it when people judge someone because of how they act or what they like to do.  I guess I can use myself as an example.

People treat me differently because of how passionate I am about certain things and about how I hold myself in situations.  Not only is it disrespectful but it's also hurtful in more ways than people realize.  I've become accustomed to being the butt of everyone's jokes and remarks. But why should I settle for being treated like crap all the time?  Why is it ME who gets the blunt of the retorts and dirty looks?  If people haven't noticed by now, then they are blind as a bat if they can't see that I'm passionate about music.  Everything about me revolves around music in some way shape or form.  Whether it's being in the spring musical or singing with Treble, music is who I am.  If people are going to judge me and treat me differently because of that, then I feel sorry for them.  That they have to look at someone and treat them poorly because of what they love to do. 

I know that people will read this and be like, " WTF????"  I'm really not sure why I'm writing this and where this came from.  I guess It's just me venting from having a hectic week.  But what I say is true.  People should not judge someone because of what they do or what they like.  People have become sooooooooo selfish and self-centered.  What happened to respecting others and being kind to other people?  I hope that it has not gone far and will return to those who care.

There's something that I've noticed among many people I've been around.  And that is the lack of care or respect for anyone but themselves.  I just don't see how it's physically possible for someone to be sooooooo stuck on themself that they don't show any care for anyone else's feelings.

There have been a string of text messages going around bad mouthing people who have done nothing wrong.  And what I've noticed is that one specific person has been linked to every single one as the source.  All that I can say about that is WOW.  How immature and selfish can you be? You're a freakin' senior!! You should be setting an example for those who look up to you.  Not that anyone does but regardless of that, these actions just show how much better you think that you are than everyone else. 

My only hope is that no one follows in these "role model" shoes.  Can't we all just respect eachother? For once?

This week was definaiely one that I will want to forget.  I didn't give myself much support to begin with, but as it went on things just kept getting worse.  I would like to quote a favorite movie of mine that can sum up this week:

" It's like quicksand.  Everything's going fine and then you make a mistake.  And soon you make another, and then another, until you're in over your head.  Like quicksand." - Keanu Reeves from "the Replacements"

That basically summed up everything.  Everything I tried to do to make things better only seemed to make them worse.  Things still aren't quite settled yet but there has been a lull in activity.  This just goes to show what kind of people you can really rely on to lift you up when you are down.  I know it sounds corny, but those people are your true friends.  Friends that you will keep forever.  And to those who have made this past week hell for me and others,  I thank you.  Yes, I thank you.  For opening my eyes and showing me what I don't want to become.  For releasing a side of me I didn't like.  And also for showing me who I know I can trust in the end.  If it makes you feel better about yourself to ruin the lives of those around you, then I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that you feel that is the only way you feel you can cope with your own troubles.  Again, I'm sorry.

I would like to leave this entry on one last note.  We are in high school. On the verge of being young adults who will one day run this country.  We should be over this middle school drama child's play that went on.  Myself included, we acted like we were back in the 6th or 7th grade, spreading rumors like wildfire.  Let us look back on this and see how immature and foolish it was for us to act this way.  To those who have been hurt, we move on to see better days.  To those who did the hurting, we learn from our mistakes.  And to everyone involved, I hope we can look at this and grow to become the reasonable, sensible, caring mature people that we all want to be.

Things have been crazy lately and im beginning to lose my sense of reality.  With everything that has been going with heresay and whatnot, I feel that my judgement has been clouded and that I may be the cause of a much greater dilema.

I hope that the events of the last few days have not had an impact on something that I care a great deal about. It scares me to think that there may be something infecting how one thinks about the situation or the people involved.  I just hope that if there was a need for concern or if something was in need of explaination, that it would be sought out.  It would be a shame to see someone go on what was said in rumors rather than seeking out the truth from a reliable source. 

I'm probably just delving far too deep into this than I should.  But being who I am, I'm prone to wonder......

well im not really sure where to begin. But i'll give it a shot.

I've been told tht I'm an open book when it comes to how I'm feeling or when there's sumthing wrong. That i think is my one major human flaw.
Anyway, yea I'm kinda feeling a mix of things, and alot of it is really contradicting.  So don't judge me.

I'm happy and sad. I'm not happy in the sense that many would assume. What bothered me the most was the pressure of having to actually do it.  The pressure of when and how is what gets to a person.  Having gotten through it and getting that pressure off is what makes things alittle bit easier.

However, there is heartbreak, not just for her but for myself as well.  As much as she may think that this was an easy decision to come to, she is greatly mistaken.  It hurt me like nothing I've felt before.  I just hope that she knows and understands that she was not the only one hurt with this.  

Things happen. People change. Feelings change.  But we should not go on feeling sorry for ouselves.  We must look to those nearest and dearest to our hearts for strength and support.  It is with their love and comfort that we can look toward the future with hope. 

Geez, this sounds like a sermon.  I don't even go to church and this sounds like I'm preaching to the choir.  Ah well, we do what we can.  I just look to a future where we can still be friends and that I don't become the most hated guy on the face of the earth.

Wow. This is cool.

So being my first entry im not going to say a lot. just that I'm glad I have a place to go and collect my thoughts in writing cuz Lord knows I can't speak what I'm feeling well.